November 17 2009

I am not for sure when it started to happen. I slowly started to feel my life slip away from me. I had at some point left my body, I left my mind it was like I had just floated away and there was nothing I could do about it. The weather started to get cold and the severe depression started to kick in once again the only difference this time was I could not control it.
On some days I feel like I can't breath I can't eat or even drink and I just want to die. On some days I fight fight like hell just to make it from minute to minute. I have no more strength today I don't understand why I feel like this.
My husband hates who I have become he hates that I have very unpredictable mood swings. Somewhere deep inside I know that he wants to treat me like I am his client but I won't allow him to make me fell that low.
I try so hard not to allow our son to see me sad but unfortunately I can't help myself. I feel like I am a failure! I have failed at being a good employee, I failed at being a good wife and more importantly I failed at being a good mother to my children.
I really don't know when I lost control but I can't stand feeling so out of control being that I am a control freak. I find it hard today to look at the positive in any situation. I eat until it hurts my little pouch. I beg God to please help me but he doesn't hear me. Maybe he is mad at me, maybe he doesn't love me anymore. I wait to hear his voice but nothing comes it's like I am being punished for what I am not sure.
I have always helped others, I have loved without strings, I have given until it hurts. I am kind, generous and courteous to others. I just don't understand why have to have live like this.

I feel like I can't see through all of this darkness to the light. I need for everything to be OK again. I need for the headaches to stop. I need for the physical pain to stop but it won't it just gets worse every passing day.
I am yelling out for someone to help me but no one hears my cries.
I miss my children that are gone from home, I long to see them to touch them and to know they are OK. I feel sad for my son who lives here with me because he wants so badly to have independence from us but I am scared to let him go. I worry that he may get hurt or someone may accuse him of something terrible that will cause him long term harm.
As for my husband he works hard all day with his clients that are "high maintenance" and then he comes home to me. I am a mess, we can't speak to each other without me flipping out, yelling, or crying. I want so badly to tell him what is wrong with me but I can't because I just don't know. I love him with all of my heart and need for him to help me but I can't ask him I don't want him to feel, see or know that I am weak. I am scared and unsure what tomorrow holds for us.
I avoid everything I love to just sit in my room waiting for life to start again but it doesn't I just can't get up.
I can't find hope in things I used to be able to. I feel so sad, so tired and overwhelmed by the depression. I will say that I am a fighter and I will fight this hard everyday just to see my family and smile again.